When I couldn’t sleep last night the George Bailey question continued to spin in my head. What would my life look like if I weren’t in it? It is really very easy to get lost in such questions when you are a combination of lonely and discouraged. This is by no means a way for me to say that I am unhappy in my life. Quite the opposite. I am a happy person, but nobody is perfect and I do have moments of confusion and disappointment. This week may just happen to be one of those extended moments.
I have always been extremely lucky in the unconditional love department. I have two compassionate parents who have always made it their goal to make sure I am in the best position possible in life. They have given me a great foundation and as such are always extra caring when I am beginning a new stage of my life. This kind of support can be rare in life, and I try to remind myself never to take it for granted. In the companion end of things I have always known deep love from my sister. When we were growing up she protected and nurtured me like I was her own child (which at points I resented) and when we entered adulthood she cared for me like a best friend. I am lucky, I do not deny this. But even the luckiest people have their lost moments.
Lately I have felt lost because I don’t feel worthy of love. Even the unconditional kind, maybe the unconditional kind I deserve the least. I often find myself looking in the mirror and being both in shock and awe of the family I have around me. Obviously I am in awe because of what they give me. I am also shocked because I don’t understand why they would choose me. And maybe that is a testament to a great family, such deep love even when we don’t choose each other. In spite of my luck in the lottery of families I often feel like Mr. Bailey. Wondering if everyone would be much happier if they had someone besides me in my place. This is not a pity party attempt or a woe is me plea. I honestly wonder this. And this is my biggest problem.
The fact that I don’t find myself worthy of the kind of love my family offers makes it blatantly apparent to me that I am struggle to let people care about me. And while for the longest time I was positive my love issues stemmed from a first boyfriend I have reevaluated. I think it is much more likely that my love flaws come from inside. Instead of pointing at a long term boyfriend gone bad I should be pointing in the mirror. I don’t think I do things like build walls and suppress feelings because I don’t want to be loved. In some weird way I feel like I am loving myself by doing these things, by ensuring I won’t get hurt. But these walls also keep me from diving in and letting myself love someone new. The trouble really goes both ways. While I won’t let anyone love me I also won’t let myself love anyone. And I am now certainly headed for a bitter existence.
I may not be unhappy now, but who is to say I won’t be in a month? A year? Ten years? After I have pushed everyone slowly away, including my core family. Then I could really be alone, instead of just writing about a lonely day or lonely week I will be living a utterly lonely life. I want to stop it, I want to be Sara Bailey and recognize the lucky life I have now. It just seems a little easier when you have an angel named Clarence guiding you through the frustration and sorrow.