Tag Archives: honesty

May10

The Question Game

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The Question Game

It’s time for a gander into the game of devil’s advocate.

On my way to work a question popped into my mind- I started to wonder the simple reason of “why?” And of course, once one question pops into your head the domino affect of questions occurs (unless you don’t think like me, and to that I say you’re lucky). Either way, for now pretend our minds process things the same way and go along with my train of thought:

Why are couples so important? Why is the pursuit of your perfect match given so much worth? Why is a great fit so rare? Why do we need to feel connected to just one other person? Why monogamy? Why do some work and some not? Why one true love? Why different degrees of love?

And then came the “what” thoughts:

What does commitment even mean? What does being secure feel like? What makes us trust someone? What makes you know you find someone? What causes a break up? What decides if someone is or isn’t worth holding onto? What about our love is unique? What kind of confidence can you have in love? What should I expect? What started making people feel the need to pair off?

And the “how”:

How do you know? How do I know? How different? How special? How true? How careful should I be? How will this end? How could this end?

You get the picture.

And all the while these (no less than a) million questions swirled throughout me I never had individual answers. Not once did I stop the spiraling train of thought and answer each specific question raised. Never did I stop and start writing, or phone a friend for advice. No part of me felt the urge to text the universe like crazy just to find the solution. Not once did I seek out conclusive answers, because not once did I really need them.

Maybe I am spastic and chaotic and have a billion emotions all across the board. But in spite of all this I know one thing. I know I didn’t need one logical answer because I don’t want logic. Not for this. Not for love. Finally I understand- when you know you know.

May4

All things go

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All things go

No hesitating.

I know what I am about to say will be yet another cliche. But let’s face it, a blog about love is bound to be a line of glorified cheesy remarks and cliches. I have said it before and I will continue to say it- cliches about love must come from somewhere and sometimes they are the only appropriate words to describe a feeling, It may appear redundant or overused, but they simply be the best words to fit for an occasion. So if you don’t like the sappy words I say, tough cookies.

Life is short.

Perhaps the above is the most obvious and repeated slogan. But it’s true. And lately I have been thinking a lot about its value.

Of course there have been eye opening times in my life, I believe everyone can relate and attest to that kind of occurrence. But even after these days or times of epiphany where we decide to carpe diem and live life to the fullest things tend to go back to normal. Not being a spontaneous person I am okay with the normalcy. Sky diving and bungee jumping is not how I want to react to the “life is short” cliche. My real reaction to it is honesty, authenticity. Mostly when it comes to my heart and the people who matter to me in my life.

(Again prepare yourself for my sappy monologue). Life may be short, that is a fact, but emotions are undervalued. More often than not people in the world remain disconnected from each other, from being truthful, and exposing their hearts. But my absolute biggest fear is losing someone. In any sense of the word I have abandonment issues and could not handle having to let go of anyone knowing I didn’t tell them how I felt. I have never truly believed closure was possible, but in death and loss, the one comforting notion is honesty. Knowing you had an open heart with the departed and that you hold no regrets in their absence. This in itself would be the ultimate regret for me, not being truthful to the emotions that define me.

I am nothing more than a jumbled mess of feelings. But if you stick with me and untangle some I think it’s worth it, because as much as I am a knot I am also full of love. A notion that scared me for the longest time because I didn’t know what to do with it. But you can’t live in fear forever, not when life is short. Words do have power, and mostly the power is good, as long as you’re sincere in what you say I see no reason to hold back. Better to have said it and released it, than to wonder.

What’s the worst that can happen? In the end all I am is how I feel, and if I can’t share that than life will feel a lot longer and a lot more lonely than necessary.

(imagine this post to Sufjan Stevens song “All things go”)

Apr20

Enough Me, onto You

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Enough Me, onto You

Today, I propose a challenge.

I challenge honesty.

It is a quick and easy conclusion to reach that my blog is simply a played out and over analyzed interpretation of my own life. And, there is such a thing as beating a dead horse. Needless to say I have become bored with myself, so I can only imagine readers would be leaning in the same direction. Enough is enough, and I am nearing the end of my abilities to pour my heart out. It’s exhausting and at times not as validating as I hoped. I am sure this mood won’t stick, I will probably be back to sappy tomorrow, but for today I would like to simply ask a question. Comment back if you want, or maybe just spend half a second thinking about it. But today is about your own heart, about your own story, because I believe that it may actually offer more than mine does.

So hear it is:

When do you say “enough” to the power of another’s emotions? Do they have to dictate yours or is letting go a viable answer? When do your emotions matter more than what their unsure emotions could be?

I know everyone has had an experience that has fragmented their heart, so when do you learn to move on or is closure an elusive entity?

Apr8

Do you have receipt for that?

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Do you have receipt for that?

There are no returns in dating. Unless you are breaking my one rule and returning to an already broken couple. I will stand by “they call it a break up because it’s broken” reasoning, and also insist from personal experience that getting back together never ends in a happily ever after (I did it 3 times, I am not with any of those 3 men today). So, as I said, there are no take backs in dating. The people you choose to be with, no matter the rationale at the time, will remain engrained to your past whether you like it or not. Although, I will admit the idea of getting a receipt at the beginning of a relationships does sound like a relatively proactive approach, especially in this economy.

But without blaming the state of the economy for love life issues let me say an insurance policy on dating would be nice. Kind of the equivalent to a marriage anolment except without lawyers and with a less shameful stigma attached. This is how it would work, if after the course of the relationship one or both members involved decided things had not gone how they should they can apply for an erase. Now it would get tricky if one party wanted to keep the memories and was bitter about the split, but in such a situation sides would be taken based on each person’s behavior over the course of the dates. Ultimately what would happen is this: you regret dating that guy for 5 months? He turned out to be much more invested or you decided you were using him as a rebound? No problem! Here are your 5 months back, we will tack them on to the second half of your life and remove him from public romantic record. Of course since this is only a rough idea there are a lot of kinks to it. The bottom line is this magical return policty doesn’t exist, and the token cliche about a failed relationship- that you’ll know better next time- isn’t the same as a gift with purchase.

It’s true, however, that every relationship teaches. It might not be groundbreaking knowledge you walk away with, it may simply be “hot = crazy,” but start compiling a list and the lessons will stack up quickly. For me, I have an entire scroll of things I wish I had done differently in past relationships. And the more I relive the past and think about experiences with exes the longer the lists grows. There is so much I would want to take back I don’t even know where I would begin if asked. The truth is I am beginning to learn how to live with these memories. Knowing that I was not 100% honest or 100% myself hurts to recall, the guilt of also knowing they were under the impression I was those things hurts more than the rest. But I behaved the way I did and acted on what I thought were valid reasons (dating because you feel empty or want an escape or to pretend everything is fine all equal bad motivating factors, as does rebound dating). But in the end my past may be drowning in guilt without demanding that I sink in my present.

I am not that girlfriend anymore. I am not the same girlfriend that I was to my second boyfriend, or my third, or even my last. To an extent I was very different in each of those relationships, and little of those pieces of myself have carried over into the present. While this is a relief it also brings a pang of fear. I can’t go through the role play and pretend anymore. I don’t want this relationship to run the course those all did. I want to leave my

Mar28

The Best Policy

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The Best Policy

Having a bad track record people pleasing, and appeasing with words I am sometimes hesitant to believe what people tell me. My train of thought goes something like this: that was sweet, I hope he means that, he wouldn’t actually feel that way, he is telling me what he thinks I want to hear, he will later regret saying that. Clearly my mind likes to end on a pessimistic note, which I must say is not the normal means to find a lasting relationship. If I am constantly going to not only second guess myself, but also the man who I want to be with, I could be messing with the happiness of 2 instead of just 1.

I really would like to stop the game, as my slight psychic side only sees it ending with me getting hurt. It starts by doubting words, compliments and progresses into doubting the future and ending the present. I have a lot of fears, I would be pretending if I implied that there was only one- but there are some more dominant than others. One of which is my persistent doubt anyone would mean the kind words he says to me, and if he does he will question himself after I’ve gone, wondering why he would have said them.

It’s no secret that I am a curious person. I always have drilled the “why” question into the ground, beating it to a pulp. But the truth is all I want is commitment. An ironic sentiment as it is also the one thing I tend to shy away from. I don’t think I would even as why so much if I knew what I got a warranty. Sadly relationship warranties do not exist. To be more realistic I need to stop daydreaming of the words I want to hear, eliminate expectation and ask myself what I want him to know. What are the things that I want to say to him?? What are the sentiments I mean and not the things I say because I am rushing things or making the relationship into something that it’s not? I need to find my own truth before I can ever expect him to be honest with his.

I suppose a few things sparked today’s train of thought, but mostly a friend’s text. I woke up to this: “why do we let guys have so much power over us?” Now I could deny that I do this, acknowledge that I have in the past but am somehow cured and lead a life without the influence of a man. But that would be shit. I am probably worse with this behavior the longer I date, the closer I come to falling for someone. My fear only rises when I ask myself if I like him more, questioning the inevitability of my own heartbreak. The looming end that makes me want the power back. Repeating a mantra where I refuse to fall in love and am determined to maintain some shred of control. I won’t jump if you don’t mentality prevails. But in spite of my greatest efforts I fail to answer this why. Why do men have the ability to make us squirm and wonder and nearly go insane with hope? I have no clue. I would like to believe that when Mr. Right comes along that I would have the same effect on him, but since the gender minds vary vastly I doubt this will ever be the case. I am no vixen, no heart throb, and I don’t pretend to be.

I am just a girl who has always said she wants two things: to find her passion, and to find someone she is passionate about. The rest of it, the hope someone will be passionate about her and hopeful to share his work and story with her, is all a crap shoot. I can think about it all day long, finding someone who sees me as important as he sees his future. Who imagines me next to him. But the more important challenge, the worthwhile exercise, is asking who I want standing next to me. Who I would move to be with, travel the world with, be vulnerable to. My answer is way more important than his. I am the one who needs to know, and as cliches go, the right one will come up with the same answer I do.

In the end it’s not about someone saying what you want to hear, or telling someone something to make them smile. It’s about saying what you believe and hoping that’s good enough for them. And if you’re really lucky, and this I know is rare, if you’re really lucky they’ll be honest too.

Mar27

Won’t bolt if you say Surprise

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Won’t bolt if you say Surprise

The best emotions surprise you. The ones that sneak up on you and give you a sudden unnerving feeling, the type of sensation you normally shy away from and perhaps even fear. I hate emotional change. I would rather move thousands of miles away and begin a while new life than experience a jolt to my heart (but perhaps this is a mute comparison as moving so far would also require moving from love). I avoid transitions in my family, changes of behavior with friends, and especially relationships evolving differently than expected. But you can’t script another person’s emotions, and this is where I am constantly surprised- usually in a negative away. This is normally when the “bolt” phase of my relationships begins, where I see someone begin to find more interest in our future than I do and I let go. This is the path I am used to, not the path that I am currently on.

I suppose in the grand scheme of things it was inevitable that my pattern would meet its match. That someone would come along and surprise my normally predictable heart (tending towards the appease and hide plot). On some level I hoped for it, but now that I am perhaps living it, the unlikely flutter of anticipation and hopeful outlook I am scared shitless. “Don’t break my heart, my achy, breaky heart” could be a soundtrack streaming on repeat in my mind. But no matter how much I ask to be protected from pain I suppose that is half the experience. Knowing the “oh shit” moment could be just around the corner, the other shoe could drop at any second, and also being perfectly aware that I don’t want to stop it. To just let it be is a motto I have never reclined to, and suddenly it is the only thing I want. And my own desire is the thing that scares me the most.

I suppose I have a choice. I could go against every inclination I am having and bolt as it is the one thing I know how to do. Or I could follow the ever wise Beatles and Let it Be. The first impulse won’t happen, I would be lying if I pretended I even toyed with this notion. It’s the last thing in the world I want and the last thing I would do. Things will not end on my account, not this time. This time I will either remain happy or be the one with the broken heart. With the first option crossed off the list that leaving relaxing and living. Now, I would not call myself high maintenance but I would also not say I easily let things happen- instead I am used to making them happen. I suppose in some sense as long as I am in control I am also at fault, I can’t blame anyone else and I can’t play the victim. I am scared of being the broken hearted so I never love fully. I never let myself have the one thing I really want, to fall in love.

But enough is enough. And finally I can’t say stop because it is the last thing in the world I want. I can only continue and know that maybe, unwillingly, what needed to happen happened and someone else (someone right) is able to hold my heart. Somehow that extremely cheesy sentiment doesn’t make me want to throw up. Maybe that’s a good sign.