Having a bad track record people pleasing, and appeasing with words I am sometimes hesitant to believe what people tell me. My train of thought goes something like this: that was sweet, I hope he means that, he wouldn’t actually feel that way, he is telling me what he thinks I want to hear, he will later regret saying that. Clearly my mind likes to end on a pessimistic note, which I must say is not the normal means to find a lasting relationship. If I am constantly going to not only second guess myself, but also the man who I want to be with, I could be messing with the happiness of 2 instead of just 1.
I really would like to stop the game, as my slight psychic side only sees it ending with me getting hurt. It starts by doubting words, compliments and progresses into doubting the future and ending the present. I have a lot of fears, I would be pretending if I implied that there was only one- but there are some more dominant than others. One of which is my persistent doubt anyone would mean the kind words he says to me, and if he does he will question himself after I’ve gone, wondering why he would have said them.
It’s no secret that I am a curious person. I always have drilled the “why” question into the ground, beating it to a pulp. But the truth is all I want is commitment. An ironic sentiment as it is also the one thing I tend to shy away from. I don’t think I would even as why so much if I knew what I got a warranty. Sadly relationship warranties do not exist. To be more realistic I need to stop daydreaming of the words I want to hear, eliminate expectation and ask myself what I want him to know. What are the things that I want to say to him?? What are the sentiments I mean and not the things I say because I am rushing things or making the relationship into something that it’s not? I need to find my own truth before I can ever expect him to be honest with his.
I suppose a few things sparked today’s train of thought, but mostly a friend’s text. I woke up to this: “why do we let guys have so much power over us?” Now I could deny that I do this, acknowledge that I have in the past but am somehow cured and lead a life without the influence of a man. But that would be shit. I am probably worse with this behavior the longer I date, the closer I come to falling for someone. My fear only rises when I ask myself if I like him more, questioning the inevitability of my own heartbreak. The looming end that makes me want the power back. Repeating a mantra where I refuse to fall in love and am determined to maintain some shred of control. I won’t jump if you don’t mentality prevails. But in spite of my greatest efforts I fail to answer this why. Why do men have the ability to make us squirm and wonder and nearly go insane with hope? I have no clue. I would like to believe that when Mr. Right comes along that I would have the same effect on him, but since the gender minds vary vastly I doubt this will ever be the case. I am no vixen, no heart throb, and I don’t pretend to be.
I am just a girl who has always said she wants two things: to find her passion, and to find someone she is passionate about. The rest of it, the hope someone will be passionate about her and hopeful to share his work and story with her, is all a crap shoot. I can think about it all day long, finding someone who sees me as important as he sees his future. Who imagines me next to him. But the more important challenge, the worthwhile exercise, is asking who I want standing next to me. Who I would move to be with, travel the world with, be vulnerable to. My answer is way more important than his. I am the one who needs to know, and as cliches go, the right one will come up with the same answer I do.
In the end it’s not about someone saying what you want to hear, or telling someone something to make them smile. It’s about saying what you believe and hoping that’s good enough for them. And if you’re really lucky, and this I know is rare, if you’re really lucky they’ll be honest too.