So, in an attempt to feel fresh and untethered by bad memories, I decided to start fresh. AKA I dyed my hair.
Now I either look like a CIA agent or I can enter the dating relocation program and not worry about exes!
Falling in love. Happily ever after. Things everyone wants, seeks out, and needs. For me it is an addiction. My pursuit of love has left a trail of broken hearts, not always my own. At twenty-two I am an expert at falling in love, keeping it is another story. My commitment issues could fill a stadium, but for the first time in my life I don’t want to avoid them. Instead of remaining in my pattern of relationship after relationship, inevitably becoming an “I love you” whore, I am seeking change. For one year, 365 days, I refuse to fall in love. In fact I am falling out of love.
There has not been a time in my short adult life where I haven’t been in a relationship. I could point the finger at a magnitude of reasons for why this is, but that’s not the point of my love cleanse. I know the reasons I am constantly pursuing love and then dropping it, now I just need to say them out loud. Each day I will chronicle my thoughts and fight my endless urge to find the next love of my life. In doing so I can finally stop hiding in relationships and admit to myself why I have sought love in boyfriends instead of in myself.
Let me preface this whole saga by saying it wasn’t always so forced. Love was once natural and real. It was more recently that love became a toxic weapon that has caused pain to people who didn’t deserve it. It has also been self-inflicted pain as I continue to punish myself emotionally for mistakes long passed.
So read, comment, judge. Do what you need to relate. Love is all around us after all, I am sure I am not the only one trying to figure out this puzzle.
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