Like in any type of recovery you go through phases. This is no different in dating recovery, going from being a serial monogamous to being consistently alone is a major change. In fact, I would even go so far as to say it is an underrated change. Most of the time going from in a relationship to single is a time of release and celebration. For me, going from in a pattern of relationships to being solo has been a reality check. I have had to change more than just surface bad habits, I have been trying to reevaluated my core self. Trying to finally understand why I am incapable of being alone.
Yesterday I started to solve part of the mystery with just one word. Fear. I am afraid of being single. I am terrified by everything that goes along with it, all the extra things to think about and worries about the future. I am afraid of letting myself wonder. What if I am alone for ever? What if no one ever likes me romantically again? What if I never get married? These questions tend to have a domino effect once I have one and I become more and more incapable of stopping others from trickling in. But the scariest question of all does not revolve around the next mystery man’s feelings or the future of my marital status. No, the one question that scares me the most is whether or not I will ever love again. Or, if I really allow myself to dig, if I have ever really let myself love before. These questions, the ones that directly effect my emotions, are the hardest to answer.
I feel like a 4 year old girl asking my dad impossible questions that have no definitive answer. What is love? How do you know? When will I find love? The whirlwind of the unknown sweeps me up until I am completely lost. And when lost I instinctively become afraid. If I can’t even be positive I have loved before, if their is no hard evidence to convey this was the case, than how can I be certain I will again? How can I even be certain that love exists? And the questions keep coming and coming until I forget what the first question was that sparked all the chaos.
They say love can drive you crazy. I propose that not the act of love, but the thought and implication of it can do far more damage.
In a quote from Kenneth from Thirty Rock, “I don’t like hypothetical situations, its like lying to your brain.”